I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
pray to the hookup gods
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
