So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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