the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
there is glitter all over my balls
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