My room smells like vodka and shame
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
