Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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