I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize