Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Still dying that you shit outside
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
