I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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