I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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