dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
