I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
