I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
