i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
