I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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