She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
