Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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