I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize