Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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