girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
His hands were made for my vagina.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
