Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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