I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
