I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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