i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Randomize
