If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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