my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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