Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
