new low.... made out with someone while peeing
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
