ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
