Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
