She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
