Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
