I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
