It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
