i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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