i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
