Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
