I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
