I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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