i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
