I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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