If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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