I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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