Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
