I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
