watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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