He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
