I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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