I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
