____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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