sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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