How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
