If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
