Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
