i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
