I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize