I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
