Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
