The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
