He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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