she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
