just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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